Friday, March 28, 2008

Confession of an endangered Spinster (Part 2)

I was not really picky nor did I set high standard on choosing my future partner, it's just that, I thought I have enough time in my hands [and I do have a different taste in men - there I had to admit it!]. Then I got torn between the past and the future, and the present is in limbo. "Where the hell am I going to find the right guy now?", I asked myself as I kicked in to my early 40s. Most of the guys I know are either married or gay... too young or too old... uninteresting or "never-mind".

One thing I love about myself is that I am not a quitter and I am very creative with almost everything. Never under estimate the power of positive thinking so they say. It is another life line I could hold on to in case I am really destined to single hood. But then, if there is one thing I am thankful about aside from my faith in God [because I was also into novena, pilgrimage, and more] it is the gift of technology.

Isn't it a good thing that our world is blessed with technology? Globalization is inevitable. It makes the world small and brought people from all over the world together in tremendous ways. Technology is one of the best things that ever happened to me.

But it isn't that easy to find a real and honest-to-goodness relationship even with the aid of technology. Going global relationship-wise is a no brainer. I spent all my resources and energy going online in search of that missing part of me. Like the ocean, the net is swarming with fishes, all species, sizes and color. [I got to have my share, one way or another.] It was an experience of a lifetime. I met them all [young, old, cute, perverts, pretentious, melancholic, over-dramatics, over-nice, cold, prejudice]... you name them, they are all there 24/7.

I learned a lot too... different culture, orientation, beliefs and idealism. It is one aspect of the entire experience that I appreciate somehow. I made a lot of friends too (and some enemies also, sorry can't help it.). The world indeed is such a small place and reaching out is not just possible but unbeatable.

I spent 4 years building and establishing all sorts of cyber relationships [some beneficial, some otherwise] hoping that one day I will find the right match. And like in the ocean, I caught a few ones.... in all kinds too... small and big ones, nice and bad and they just come and go. The experience kept my hopes up and kept me dreaming hard. It was exhausting.

I did get some marriage proposals at an average of two offers each session. Boy, I was too in-demand. My commercial value in the international market is so high that it set my self-esteem soaring. It certainly is a booster. It was chaotic yet fun. But most of the time I only played along and played safe.

So I played along for four solid years, accepting marriage proposals left and right from guys all over the world. I got offers from guys I hardly know or who would give lots of promises. And I would accept knowing that they too were just playing along, bluffing or hoping to get lucky. I was desperate to meet a deadline. I was desperate to achieve something so that I can put a stop to all the pressures I get from work, family and the entire community. I was desperate to have a closure once and for all.

One of the advantages of having a relationship online is that you are not bound with any moral responsibilities because there are certain limitations that you can set yourself or not at all. Having several BFs all at the same time is not a taboo because you are the only one who knows that it exist unless you tell them. And physical contact is impossible, totally. However, you need to be careful too because the internet can be dangerous because it is the breeding ground for globalize perverts. Some people can be too creative and graphic to get perversion justified and nobody wants to be violated. It can be too offensive especially for the neophytes but as you learn the rope you'll be fine. Being on the defensive is safe enough to enjoy the benefits of the internet.

*But as things went on, having a relationship one after another tired me so bad, I almost gave up. Cyber relationship, I realized, is just any other relationship. It may be virtual and yet it could hurt as bad. I had my share of virtual frustrations and disappointments too. Virtual relationship is as real as it can be. I did have sleepless nights crying over online fights with my cyber-BFs. I had countless heated arguments over issues due to language barrier, conflicting points of view, diverse cultural orientations or overwhelming pressure about something unreasonable. And one day, as I signed in for the Nth time, I was resigned to stop hoping. I just got online to check my e-mails... went to the chatroom just for a peek and thought I'll call it a day. Then... it happened.

The usual "Hello" popped up, followed by the all-familiar "A.S.L. pls." Nice as I've always been and friendly as I can be, I replied to each typed questions in the YM chat box... and before I know it, I was chatting to a wonderful guy 10,000 miles away and half-the-world apart. I finally met HIM.

Unknown to me... he is the one I have been waiting for all my life. Finally, I met the one who is the answer to my prayer. He is the one who swept me off my feet. The one I've decided to spend the rest of my life with. And the rest is history.

Now, I am happy. Now I don’t have to worry about "singledom". Now, I have nothing to regret about the past. Now, I can plan for the future for the present is here now... now that I have found him.

Inspired by my recent achievement and consumed by my personal victory over a psychological battle about the future, the present now gives hope to other singles-still out there who are equally hopeful-still to start a family in their late years. Rejoice for life indeed begins at 40.

At present, I can proudly justify to those 40 something women to hold on to their dreams because indeed there is hope. I believed and that's all you need to know.

Fast-forward to the future, I found myself in a position now where I still don't regret anything about my past. The past taught me more than life itself. The past prepared me for the future. The past gave me the strength to carry on with the present. And the past is something I will always love to look back to in my prime when I feel in the mood to travel down memory lane.

(NOTE: This was written on August 31, 2007 and published first at naggingTHOUGHTS)

2 comments:

Oregano Addict said...

This is a really, really, really wonderful post. It made me laugh... made me cry a bit.. it was like I went through the entire journey. Thank you for sharing this.

sterndal said...

ang ganda ...

dumaan din ako sa ganyan,

pero hindi ko pa nahahanap yung para sa akin

at sa palagay ko hindi ko mahahanap sa online dating sites

:)

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