Saturday, March 29, 2008

Confession of an endangered Spinster (Part 1)

I am not really sold to the idea that love takes time. Being impatient and trained to live life in the fast-track, I want everything pronto. For me, waiting is not a welcome choice it is simply an alibi to evade something to save one's face from the reality of being misplaced.

I have 42 years of life experiences so far with all the right trimmings that made me what and who I am now. I have led a life full of hopes and dreams which are the very foundation of a life well-lived. I also had my fair share of romance on the side besides my eagerness to "fit in" in a society where career and achievements are the basic qualifications to be accepted as an aspiring and highly-motivated individual in the corporate world where money, power and greed reign supreme. I succeed. But I was restless still. And with all the troubles I put up with my desire to reach the top of the corporate ladder, I got confused half-way on my way up.

And then I came to a point when I literally needed a panic-room to shield myself from all the pressures of what my controlling world had put me up into. I was lonely, starved, poor, and felt unloved. I almost forgot that there is more to life than work, parties, shopping, and being complacent with routine.

Reality check did a great job when all my friends got married and have babies one after another (except for one). That gave me no other choice but to dream dreams. The feeling of being there, witnessing their exchange of vows... feeling their bliss... and overwhelmed by their own happiness somehow gave me a funny feeling of delight mixed with a hint of envy and despair. It hits me big time when I realized that there is indeed one thing I have not given much attention to in my life because I was too pre-occupied with my career and other co-curricular activities. I almost forgot that there is something I have not achieved yet in life and that something is huge... relationship.

Relationship is not something new. It is our support system that sustains us through life and its many struggles. Without it we'll hardly survive. People who say that they need no one in their lives are in denial, so much so that the "no man is an island" maxim is just a cliché. We need someone to laugh, cry, talk, argue, fight, or deal with. We need someone to feel secure... to love or to hate... to emulate or contradict.... to listen to our whining or wishful thinking... to share our dreams or hopes [or even the latest gossips].

There are different kinds of relationship but the one that deals with romance - being with someone special... who is willing to sacrifice for you... die for you... grow old with you... spend the rest of his life with you... gee’s... isn't it something? People do need people. We all need someone. [I think] I need someone. And I need someone now, pronto!

So I came into my senses morbidly realizing that I was too preoccupied with a lot of crap in the past few crucial years of my existence. Then, I started to panic because I'm not getting any younger. Then I began to be alarmed because I realized too that my biological clock is ticking and running out of precious time. Then, I started to be scared out of my wits to realize as well that my options reached a dead end. I had no money, no power, no "single-still" friends, no relationship, and no love life. Life sucks!

I will survive. That was my initial reaction. But fear crept in when I suddenly doubted if I still have "it". IT. You know... that certain inexplicable narcissistic orientation one has that spells... C-H-A-R-M. Women often think they have it to the extreme. It is a sense of unconscious egotism and unrealistic self-glorification for something unrealistically untrue or just plain ego-centrism [whatever!].

“It" is what women would give a great deal of effort just to achieve a feeling of fulfillment and satisfaction (so they claim). It is what most rich and powerful women would spend their entire fortune just to stay in the running for the sake of being accepted and respected in the social arena. The truth is, it [sub-consciously] became the epicenter of my bruised self-esteem that very moment too.

An unfamiliar dread engulfed me with inexplicable veracity that exposed my vulnerable spirit to the unknown gravity of my personal predicament. It then urged me to have a thorough self-evaluation to calm my nerve down a bit. The constant nagging I get from my colleagues, relatives and other people didn't help either. It only put more pressure on my current pressing dilemma.

Unmasked by the naked truth of what the future brings, I was overpowered with terror by the reality right before my eyes. For the first time in my life I was not that confident of myself anymore.

My hair was a mess. All those hair products I've tried all these years and even the regular visit to the salon for hair treatments [like re-bonding, hair spa, cellophane and what-not] just to achieve that perfect shine and softness that guys fall for [like in the shampoo commercial] just didn't work. The more it made my hair stressed-out, dry and unmanageable.

Those countless bottles and jars of beauty products that I applied on my face and body [day and night] or the regular body scrub, facial massage and foot spa rubbed me off my ability to comprehend the real meaning of the famous expression "beauty is skin deep". I was in deep s _ _ t.

My body, on the other hand, is also not in perfect shape despite the rigid belly dancing, yoga and pilates that I do religiously. And the numerous attempts to starve myself to death just to lose a few pounds were just a waste of time because I gain them right back up after a couple of days because of all those invites I never turned down. South Beach Diet became Yo-yo diet.

Then I gave up. If I can't trust my looks to lure Mr. Right to seduction and if God permits... to marriage... I need to think of something else. I know I got more to offer than good looks. Physical attributes are not really that important. Not all guys are after trophy girlfriends. And not all of them are after money. Good thinking... for I don't have all of the above.

What I got right now is character. And that gave me the drive to do something to deal with the situation. I thought maybe I need to retrieve my active files for prospective future partner [I got a few, though]. Nah!

Seriously, I realized how crazy I was to let go of all those chances I had in the past when I was at the peak of my youth. But there is no room for regrets now. I believe that regret is only for the loser. I am hopeful. I do have doubts though, but I won't dwell in it for I know it's pointless to be hopeful and yet have no faith. Faith gives us the ability to live a hopeful life.

(Continuation on the next post.)

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