Monday, March 31, 2008

The reality of reality shows

I’m not a big fan of reality shows. It bores me. The storyline sucks. The actors are pretentious. But there are people who are addictive to it. Others are amused by it. And some are simply have nothing else to watch. Still the world is watching. Big businesses benefit from it through commercial airing. Participants from it get the exposure they need to get their aspirations go to the next level. And T.V. Shows producers get rich.

The proliferation of the reality shows could be blamed for the alteration of imbedded values. Morality has been altered. What is immoral before is way too acceptable now. Some social values and principles have been modified to gain commercial value which in the past was too precious and priceless.

True love is now a quest between a hot guy/gal and a hoard of aspirants/contestant/wannabes vying for the big prize… the “Hottie” and a million dollar. Nice huh? What ever happened to true love?

What about privacy? Don’t people give a damn about privacy now? Poor Brittney. Is it now the norm to live a life where the entire universe is watching your every move? Big brothers are big losers. No matter how hard one tries to live a normal life [in reality or otherwise], still you need to put an act because at the back of your mind… you know the camera is rolling. And you will be judged one way or another.

And what’s with survivors? What’s with all these people doing the craziest things to survive what? An entire season of competitive foolishness? Don’t we all struggling to survive everyday of our lives just trying to make both ends meet? Is completing a task harder than figuring out how to put food on the table especially if you have 5 mouths to feed and earning below minimum wage? Which is harder? Eating live worms or not eating at all? At the end of the day… those survivors who ate the worms were probably given hearty meals behind the camera and those people [who watched them] have nothing to eat and have to spend the night with their stomach still empty and rumbling.

Reality takes a big toll on people’s life or is it the other way around? Real living is a process of discovery… of adaptation… of survival. And so we must re-discover life every chance we get… adapt to life to have a chance to live… and survive to get another chance to do things all over again. Change in reality is the only permanent thing in life and we must accept that. The reality of life is changing and changing life is for real.

Sunday, March 30, 2008

lighthouses... strawberry fields... and cold summer nights

Airborne at 35,000 miles above sea level, the view from top was scary yet breath-taking. It was a Tuesday, the 29th day of May 2007 in the eastern time zone and Continental Airlines Boeing 747 was cruising steadily (with a few turbulence, though) above what seemed to be an endless ocean of ice-capped mountain peaks and snow-powdered Alaska Range moving on across the Canadian Shield heading down to the impressive gentle hills and peaks of the Appalachian Mountains in east coast mainland USA. It was a sight to behold but the 12-hour flight from Tokyo, Japan to Newark, New Jersey was too exhausting for me to appreciate the majestic landscape below. I have never traveled more than eight thousand miles until now. The long queues of tourists and immigrants alike from all over the world (I was guessing) at the US Port of Entry in Newark waiting to be interrogated by the US Immigration Officers made my day longer if not more taxing. But the ordeal ended instantaneously when I was airborne again after 3 hours of rigid inspection at the Custom and was sitting-pretty at the belly of yet another smaller aircraft northeast-bound of the northern hemisphere. My destination... the 23rd state of the United States of America and the biggest state in the New England Region... Maine.

It was 11:30pm and the plane touched down on the dot. I was lucky that all my flights were on time or else I might be rotting pretty good. Shortly, I saw that familiar face again. That same face that used to cheer me up every time I go online. Those hazel eyes that drove me to jot down some of my inspired thoughts again on blog and other online literary postings (like this one). My soon-to-be-hubby was an hour early waiting for me at the lobby of Portland International Jetport anticipating my grand arrival, so to speak. It didn't take long before we were able to locate my three red luggage and soon afterwards they were dumped at the back of his GMC Sierra and I was comfortably strapped at the passenger's seat going to Ogunquit, York County.

Maine is one of the best places I have been to so far. Definitely different from the four other places I've been and specifically more significant too. Maine is considered as the "easternmost town of the United States of America" maybe because it is at the border of Canada and at the upper eastern tip of the North American continent [geographically speaking]. It is composed of 16 counties. It has a total land area of 33,215 sq. miles with a total of only over a million populations and a ratio that sums up to 41 persons per square mile. Maine has 6,000 lakes and ponds [with over 3 thousand miles and 200 miles of shoreline and coastline, respectively] where its people go ice-fishing on wintertime and where water sports Yankees cool down on summertime. It is where its people get their most famous livelihood and produce... lobsters. It has lots of rivers to explore too. It also has 17 million acres of forest where many Mainers go for moose (the state's animal), deer, bear and turkey hunting - their number one past-time. Yes, hunting is big-time here. It's a sport and a hobby that most Mainers have grown up to. But you can't just go hunting here, one need to get a license to be able to do so for there are rules to follow and there are specific seasons and places to do it. So much for the animal rights crusaders around, for you can't be heard here, you are definitely out-numbered by the hunters.

Maine's mountains are rich in minerals and gemstones... tourmaline being the state's gemstone is a real beauty and precious. Mining is not just one of the biggest industries here... it's a past-time and a hobby as well for many adventure-seekers. Maine's forest is rich in pine trees (white pine the state's tree), that is why it is called the Pine State. Many tourists from out-of-state and neighboring Canada come here to enjoy summertime for Maine is called Vacationland too. Being so, it never fails to live up to that expectation for summer in Maine is cool and light. Cool summer nights are good for camping and there are lots of campsites around the state. Campers and RVs trekking the main roads are a common sight because summertime in Maine means fun time. I came to Maine when it was almost at the end of spring and the beginning of summer, and that... was something. I was awed by the experience. The landscape changes dramatically as we drove from one county to another. Miles and miles of mono-chromatic green rolling hills covered in thick pine and maple trees surrounding pristine blue lakes and rivers and countless watershed are always awesome and picture-perfect. Acres and acres of valleys covered with hay or grass peppered with tiny yellow and white daisies seemed to look like a huge live painting. And from that day on, I knew, I will never get tired of looking at those scenic places here for each time we visit or drive by the same place over and over again, it feels like I been there the first time... always. Maine is always changing, always enticing, and always captivating.

Augusta is the capital of the state but Portland is the biggest city. Cities here are not like any other cities in the world. It could get really busy at rush hour and traffic jam is not totally a new thing in the main streets but it is still a little bit laid back and more relaxed. You can't see high towering buildings here or skyscrapers like in other industrialized and modern cities of the world. Here, simplicity is not an issue; it's the way of life. Colonial style buildings and architecture give the state a rustic feel to the city. While white or gray pointed church steeples seen from afar sticking out from the bushy, shaggy and leafy branches of pines and maple trees from a cozy neighborhood give a hint of a distinct New England appeal. The cities are indeed enchanting yet down-to-earth... surreal yet natural... seductive yet evasive.

Maine has a certain charm about it, a distinct beauty and character that captivated my heart from day one. The crisp cool breeze certainly sent shiver to my spine but the sunshine gave my cold cheeks a gentle warm caress. Maine is where I will be for the next five years or so. And that is not an understatement. Having said so, I know I have to be ready for what it takes. There are lots of things I need to learn here [like driving a mile or two just to go to the store to get a Power Ball (lottery) ticket or an ice cream, perhaps]... a lot of things I need to adjust to [like the weather, for it really is freezing up here even in summertime (the time frame of this post for wintertime is indeed another story to tell or write)]... a lot of things I need to get used to [like waking up to the chirping sound of the chickadee (the state's bird), seeing a herd of deer munching on my hubby's vegetable garden, or a couple of squirrels and chipmunks in our driveway chewing on maple seeds, or having a rafter of wild turkeys looking for a place to spend a night in our backyard, or simply meeting papa bear (sometimes with mama bear and baby bear tagging along) crossing the street]... a lot of things I look forward to [like strawberry and blueberry picking, shopping for flowers and vegetables seeds, boating, fishing, camping, hiking, gold panning and tourmaline mining]... and a lot of things I will never get tired of [like visiting the light houses (there are more than 20 of it all over the state and they are gorgeous for I was married in one of them, the historical Portland Head Light which was built in 1786 way before George Washington became the first president of the United States)]. Maine is unpredictable and full of surprises. It is cold and yet with a calming warmth. It is here where my life takes a whole new world... a whole new experience... a whole new existence.

Maine is definitely a new place for me... a new life... a new beginning. Maine is where my home now. And Maine is where my heart will be... for now.

(NOTED: This was first published at naggingTHOUGHTS on September 23, 2007)

Saturday, March 29, 2008

Confession of an endangered Spinster (Part 1)

I am not really sold to the idea that love takes time. Being impatient and trained to live life in the fast-track, I want everything pronto. For me, waiting is not a welcome choice it is simply an alibi to evade something to save one's face from the reality of being misplaced.

I have 42 years of life experiences so far with all the right trimmings that made me what and who I am now. I have led a life full of hopes and dreams which are the very foundation of a life well-lived. I also had my fair share of romance on the side besides my eagerness to "fit in" in a society where career and achievements are the basic qualifications to be accepted as an aspiring and highly-motivated individual in the corporate world where money, power and greed reign supreme. I succeed. But I was restless still. And with all the troubles I put up with my desire to reach the top of the corporate ladder, I got confused half-way on my way up.

And then I came to a point when I literally needed a panic-room to shield myself from all the pressures of what my controlling world had put me up into. I was lonely, starved, poor, and felt unloved. I almost forgot that there is more to life than work, parties, shopping, and being complacent with routine.

Reality check did a great job when all my friends got married and have babies one after another (except for one). That gave me no other choice but to dream dreams. The feeling of being there, witnessing their exchange of vows... feeling their bliss... and overwhelmed by their own happiness somehow gave me a funny feeling of delight mixed with a hint of envy and despair. It hits me big time when I realized that there is indeed one thing I have not given much attention to in my life because I was too pre-occupied with my career and other co-curricular activities. I almost forgot that there is something I have not achieved yet in life and that something is huge... relationship.

Relationship is not something new. It is our support system that sustains us through life and its many struggles. Without it we'll hardly survive. People who say that they need no one in their lives are in denial, so much so that the "no man is an island" maxim is just a cliché. We need someone to laugh, cry, talk, argue, fight, or deal with. We need someone to feel secure... to love or to hate... to emulate or contradict.... to listen to our whining or wishful thinking... to share our dreams or hopes [or even the latest gossips].

There are different kinds of relationship but the one that deals with romance - being with someone special... who is willing to sacrifice for you... die for you... grow old with you... spend the rest of his life with you... gee’s... isn't it something? People do need people. We all need someone. [I think] I need someone. And I need someone now, pronto!

So I came into my senses morbidly realizing that I was too preoccupied with a lot of crap in the past few crucial years of my existence. Then, I started to panic because I'm not getting any younger. Then I began to be alarmed because I realized too that my biological clock is ticking and running out of precious time. Then, I started to be scared out of my wits to realize as well that my options reached a dead end. I had no money, no power, no "single-still" friends, no relationship, and no love life. Life sucks!

I will survive. That was my initial reaction. But fear crept in when I suddenly doubted if I still have "it". IT. You know... that certain inexplicable narcissistic orientation one has that spells... C-H-A-R-M. Women often think they have it to the extreme. It is a sense of unconscious egotism and unrealistic self-glorification for something unrealistically untrue or just plain ego-centrism [whatever!].

“It" is what women would give a great deal of effort just to achieve a feeling of fulfillment and satisfaction (so they claim). It is what most rich and powerful women would spend their entire fortune just to stay in the running for the sake of being accepted and respected in the social arena. The truth is, it [sub-consciously] became the epicenter of my bruised self-esteem that very moment too.

An unfamiliar dread engulfed me with inexplicable veracity that exposed my vulnerable spirit to the unknown gravity of my personal predicament. It then urged me to have a thorough self-evaluation to calm my nerve down a bit. The constant nagging I get from my colleagues, relatives and other people didn't help either. It only put more pressure on my current pressing dilemma.

Unmasked by the naked truth of what the future brings, I was overpowered with terror by the reality right before my eyes. For the first time in my life I was not that confident of myself anymore.

My hair was a mess. All those hair products I've tried all these years and even the regular visit to the salon for hair treatments [like re-bonding, hair spa, cellophane and what-not] just to achieve that perfect shine and softness that guys fall for [like in the shampoo commercial] just didn't work. The more it made my hair stressed-out, dry and unmanageable.

Those countless bottles and jars of beauty products that I applied on my face and body [day and night] or the regular body scrub, facial massage and foot spa rubbed me off my ability to comprehend the real meaning of the famous expression "beauty is skin deep". I was in deep s _ _ t.

My body, on the other hand, is also not in perfect shape despite the rigid belly dancing, yoga and pilates that I do religiously. And the numerous attempts to starve myself to death just to lose a few pounds were just a waste of time because I gain them right back up after a couple of days because of all those invites I never turned down. South Beach Diet became Yo-yo diet.

Then I gave up. If I can't trust my looks to lure Mr. Right to seduction and if God permits... to marriage... I need to think of something else. I know I got more to offer than good looks. Physical attributes are not really that important. Not all guys are after trophy girlfriends. And not all of them are after money. Good thinking... for I don't have all of the above.

What I got right now is character. And that gave me the drive to do something to deal with the situation. I thought maybe I need to retrieve my active files for prospective future partner [I got a few, though]. Nah!

Seriously, I realized how crazy I was to let go of all those chances I had in the past when I was at the peak of my youth. But there is no room for regrets now. I believe that regret is only for the loser. I am hopeful. I do have doubts though, but I won't dwell in it for I know it's pointless to be hopeful and yet have no faith. Faith gives us the ability to live a hopeful life.


(Continuation on the next post.)

Friday, March 28, 2008

Confession of an endangered Spinster (Part 2)

I was not really picky nor did I set high standard on choosing my future partner, it's just that, I thought I have enough time in my hands [and I do have a different taste in men - there I had to admit it!]. Then I got torn between the past and the future, and the present is in limbo. "Where the hell am I going to find the right guy now?", I asked myself as I kicked in to my early 40s. Most of the guys I know are either married or gay... too young or too old... uninteresting or "never-mind".

One thing I love about myself is that I am not a quitter and I am very creative with almost everything. Never under estimate the power of positive thinking so they say. It is another life line I could hold on to in case I am really destined to single hood. But then, if there is one thing I am thankful about aside from my faith in God [because I was also into novena, pilgrimage, and more] it is the gift of technology.

Isn't it a good thing that our world is blessed with technology? Globalization is inevitable. It makes the world small and brought people from all over the world together in tremendous ways. Technology is one of the best things that ever happened to me.

But it isn't that easy to find a real and honest-to-goodness relationship even with the aid of technology. Going global relationship-wise is a no brainer. I spent all my resources and energy going online in search of that missing part of me. Like the ocean, the net is swarming with fishes, all species, sizes and color. [I got to have my share, one way or another.] It was an experience of a lifetime. I met them all [young, old, cute, perverts, pretentious, melancholic, over-dramatics, over-nice, cold, prejudice]... you name them, they are all there 24/7.

I learned a lot too... different culture, orientation, beliefs and idealism. It is one aspect of the entire experience that I appreciate somehow. I made a lot of friends too (and some enemies also, sorry can't help it.). The world indeed is such a small place and reaching out is not just possible but unbeatable.

I spent 4 years building and establishing all sorts of cyber relationships [some beneficial, some otherwise] hoping that one day I will find the right match. And like in the ocean, I caught a few ones.... in all kinds too... small and big ones, nice and bad and they just come and go. The experience kept my hopes up and kept me dreaming hard. It was exhausting.

I did get some marriage proposals at an average of two offers each session. Boy, I was too in-demand. My commercial value in the international market is so high that it set my self-esteem soaring. It certainly is a booster. It was chaotic yet fun. But most of the time I only played along and played safe.

So I played along for four solid years, accepting marriage proposals left and right from guys all over the world. I got offers from guys I hardly know or who would give lots of promises. And I would accept knowing that they too were just playing along, bluffing or hoping to get lucky. I was desperate to meet a deadline. I was desperate to achieve something so that I can put a stop to all the pressures I get from work, family and the entire community. I was desperate to have a closure once and for all.

One of the advantages of having a relationship online is that you are not bound with any moral responsibilities because there are certain limitations that you can set yourself or not at all. Having several BFs all at the same time is not a taboo because you are the only one who knows that it exist unless you tell them. And physical contact is impossible, totally. However, you need to be careful too because the internet can be dangerous because it is the breeding ground for globalize perverts. Some people can be too creative and graphic to get perversion justified and nobody wants to be violated. It can be too offensive especially for the neophytes but as you learn the rope you'll be fine. Being on the defensive is safe enough to enjoy the benefits of the internet.

*But as things went on, having a relationship one after another tired me so bad, I almost gave up. Cyber relationship, I realized, is just any other relationship. It may be virtual and yet it could hurt as bad. I had my share of virtual frustrations and disappointments too. Virtual relationship is as real as it can be. I did have sleepless nights crying over online fights with my cyber-BFs. I had countless heated arguments over issues due to language barrier, conflicting points of view, diverse cultural orientations or overwhelming pressure about something unreasonable. And one day, as I signed in for the Nth time, I was resigned to stop hoping. I just got online to check my e-mails... went to the chatroom just for a peek and thought I'll call it a day. Then... it happened.

The usual "Hello" popped up, followed by the all-familiar "A.S.L. pls." Nice as I've always been and friendly as I can be, I replied to each typed questions in the YM chat box... and before I know it, I was chatting to a wonderful guy 10,000 miles away and half-the-world apart. I finally met HIM.

Unknown to me... he is the one I have been waiting for all my life. Finally, I met the one who is the answer to my prayer. He is the one who swept me off my feet. The one I've decided to spend the rest of my life with. And the rest is history.

Now, I am happy. Now I don’t have to worry about "singledom". Now, I have nothing to regret about the past. Now, I can plan for the future for the present is here now... now that I have found him.

Inspired by my recent achievement and consumed by my personal victory over a psychological battle about the future, the present now gives hope to other singles-still out there who are equally hopeful-still to start a family in their late years. Rejoice for life indeed begins at 40.

At present, I can proudly justify to those 40 something women to hold on to their dreams because indeed there is hope. I believed and that's all you need to know.

Fast-forward to the future, I found myself in a position now where I still don't regret anything about my past. The past taught me more than life itself. The past prepared me for the future. The past gave me the strength to carry on with the present. And the past is something I will always love to look back to in my prime when I feel in the mood to travel down memory lane.

(NOTE: This was written on August 31, 2007 and published first at naggingTHOUGHTS)

Oh!... Men!

I always consider men as basic needs. From a woman's point of view... this conviction came from different angles. Basic needs mean - something you can't live without. But me - being single until now... only proves that I can survive somehow. I came from a family dominated by men. Being an only daughter, my mom was my only influence on women's liberation issues. My dad and my two brothers, on the other hand, are basically additional stimuli that shaped my very foundation and knowledge of men in general. Some people might not agree with my personal opinion, but does it matter? I had my fair share of relationships and acquaintances with a few good men in the past and my experiences varied. These and other not so important circumstances gave rise to my own understanding of men.

Good men who I believed now as "endangered species" [because they are now becoming extinct] are so hard to find. Lucky are those women who were able to catch them. Pitiful are those who were conned. Hopeful are those who are still waiting. And lonely are those who will never get to see the dawn. Where do i fit in, anyway? I'm the positive one... who will never give up believing in miracles.

My past experiences were a learning process and I've learned so much from them. And the lessons, I know will guide me in the future relationship that I will cherish for the rest of my life. So here goes:

1. Think with your heart and love with your mind. The equilibrium will keep your both feet flat on the grounds.

2. Never show your man how much you love him... He thinks you are possessive. Never let him know how much you care... He feels you are apprehensive. And never ever under any circumstances trust his promises. You will just get disappointed.

3. Honesty doesn't always work. A man who is honest tells you what you do not want to hear. And a dishonest man accused you of the things you are suspecting him of. The boomerang theory works well with him.

4. ON THE FUNNY NOTE: Money isn't everything. Happy is the man... who has no money yet found a girl. But happier is the girl... who found the man - who has money.

I may not be an expert in the matters of the heart but I do believe in the reality of the matter. My experiences are not all so happy ones but who cares? Being attached is a matter of choice. One day, I know I will take my turn and find someone I will choose to spend the rest of my life with. And when that time comes... I know things will not be all smooth and easy. Mr. Right, as we all know is still too busy running his own business at the moment and for eternity to come [I supposed]. Should I wait or should I not? The answer will pop up sooner or later. But for the time being, I just rely on my own gut feeling.

I am all so tired of falling in love... the effort and time spent does not worth an investment. I stopped looking around for signs... the many choices at hand made it more complicated. I also started contemplating of living a single life, but nah, that was not an option. I chose to go with the flow for now... for I also believe... there comes a time when you will find someone who will make you cry... other times... you will encounter someone who will make you laugh. But once in your lifetime... you will find someone who will make you laugh and cry at the same time. And when it happens... I knew then - that the time has come.



This was written on September 20, 2006... when my concept about men in general was still blurred. Now, that I have finally found a “Man”... I still believe in some aspect of it. Something's telling me... you can't teach old dogs new tricks. Oh Men... you are driving us (women) crazy [both positively and negatively]. GLAD AM A WOMAN. THANKS GOD!)

Thursday, March 27, 2008

Life begins at 40

(NOTE: I wrote this when I turned 40 in March of 2005. But I published this on September 25 of the same year.)

I turned 40 this year. So what? At the back of my mind… all I can say is – no big deal! But is it? Or am I just trying to convince myself, it really is no big deal because I don’t have any choice?

Age is irreversible! Looking back now only triggers more allergy rashes or worse – psychosomatic attacks common to people either suffering from mid-life crisis or plain paranoia.

The countless nights I spent trying to figure out what I have done in the past 40 years made me dependent on VMV Illuminant Eye Cream to reverse the sign of aging. And at this point, it’s a consolation to know that at least there is still something irreversible.

Age is accountable! Now that I entered the “no return” realm, there is no other way to go but to move on. The many failures I had in the past gave me the strength to face new challenges. And the successes, on the other hand, gave me the inspiration to seek new life-giving experiences. But does it help? Or am I just trying to be positive because that’s the only sensible way to deal with it?

Those sleepless nights I spent trying to put my life in a new perspective did not help me to come up with new ideas but rather worsen my hemoglobin deficiency denying me three times as blood donor for Red Cross… a noble cause I tried to acquire to make myself useful in the society I am a part of.

Age too is inevitable! Immortality is only for the goddesses. Obviously, I can’t vie for it. Being a mortal is a liability to a certain extent. But to leave behind a legacy is something attainable to common people. This thought made me contemplate. Have I done something worth remembering me by? Or do I still have enough time to make a significance in other people’s lives or at least in some major decisions I still yet to make?

As an educator, I believe I have touched the lives of my students in one way or another. But I cannot deny the fact that being so, I can be accused too of making or breaking my students in principle or other wise. The many lessons I’ve learned in life partly came from my past experiences and partially from my former teachers. And so I ask myself after 9 years in this profession… have I made a difference in my students’ lives? With unshakable faith I can proudly say… absolutely! My confidence was probably fuelled by some former students who came back to thank me for being an inspiration to them.

I turned 40 this year. The next 40 years that have yet to come are still unpredictable. There are many questions yet to be answered and many more that are better left unanswered. But age is an opportunity for me lead life to the fullest… to achieve a certain degree of respect for life… and to cultivate a personal grasp of life expectations. Age is irreversible, age is accountable and age is inevitable. But life is a gift. What I make out of it… is my gift to the One who gave me life.

transition

Transition is something inevitable. A series of it prepares one for the worse to come. It makes one a better person… or otherwise. I had my fair share many times in the past. And for the last forty years nothing hit me hard like a baseball bat than the one I had in 1994. I was at the peak of my career. The challenges were too tempting to think of anything but to be more competitive. Boy, I was too damn focused to achieve. There was no way to go but… up! And so I thought.

But transition is something inevitable. Nobody actually talked me into it. When things had gotten so monotonous, a career change was the most sensible decision I had to make. I felt that the corporate world was getting too complicated… or maybe it was my life, which was getting too complicated. I really didn’t know and it didn’t actually matter anyhow. I was so engrossed to leave the corporate world (or was it the corporate jungle?) The workplace was no longer a good place for me to stay insane. And so I left.

And transition is indeed inevitable. I was back in school building dreams anew and honing skills afresh. A paradigm shift was a scapegoat after all. Finally, I knew what I wanted in my life. My imagination has no limit. My idealism was too strong to stop me from doing what I wanted to do. And my spirit was too resilient that I had new hopes… new visions… new understanding of what life has yet to offer me. I felt that I got myself new wings to fly. And so I flew.

But transition is indeed inevitable. Being in this new profession, which I thought was the most rational move I made when I left the corporate jungle, was after all a scapegoat. After ten years I find myself again in a position not so new to me. Reality stares me eye to eye… and before I knew it my imagination ran weak… my idealism grew even weaker… and my spirit stirred frailly as I face each day with resignation. I know it is not a good sign, though. But what can I do? I really don’t know. But one thing is sure… I will make a move, one way or another. Life has to go on.

Life is a transition… and it is inevitable. It will surely pass… one way or another. And life goes on.

Note: This was written Sept. 19, 2005

learning to FORGIVE and FORGET

Life is too easy if we think we can forgive and forget. With all the troubles that we put up in making a relationship work, oftentimes we end up making it worse. But not too often though, other times we succeeded. And when we did, we know we accomplished something worth keeping.

Learning to forgive would be easy as A, B, C’s. But remembering how I learned the alphabet gave me a hard time [for it was a long time ago]. Looking at the rationality of forgiving, I know I am capable of it. “I’m open to option” – is not an alibi… it is actually a “mantra” that I am trying to infuse subliminally. Because to forgive is human… as the saying goes. And human as I am, so I’m capable. Time will tell… so goes the saying again.

To forget on the other hand… is completely a different issue. It entails a deeper understanding of one's self. It calls for total conversion of one's self to accept what is unconventional and to change what seem to be impossible. And in the end, forgetting is a decision one has to make. It doesn’t necessarily follow that when you forgive someone you also forget. But the possibility is promising for I am hopeful.

(NOTE: This was written on November 17, 2006)

Friday, March 14, 2008

this is the first time I will celebrate...

I turn 43 today.

This is the first time I will celebrate my birthday as a different person. I am a different person not because I re-invent myself. Though I have thought about it quite often, I just don't know how and where to start. I am a different person because, I am in a different place, time, and space (whatever that means.)

This is the first time I will celebrate my birthday out of the country I have known all my life. The place where I was born and the place I grew up from.

This is the first time I will celebrate my birthday as a married woman. I just married last year and this is the first time that I woke up with someone on my bed besides my pillows.

This is the first time I will celebrate my birthday with my new family, my husband's. I left my family back home and this is the first time they will celebrate my birthday without me.

This is the first I will celebrate my birthday that I am not thinking of presents, cakes and balloons. And this is the first time, I am not thinking of a birthday wish.

Well, there is always a "first time" for everybody. And yes, this is the first time and the only time I will turn 43 years old. Cheers for me!

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