Saturday, December 27, 2008

Sleepless in Maine

I still wake up in the middle of night trying to catch my precious breath… panting and dripping wet in perspiration despite below zero temperature.

Spending sleepless nights is not new to me. I may not be a night person but there would be times that I would wake up in the middle of the night for no reason at all. Well, the trips to the bathroom is not considered a valid reason but I have been spending sleepless nights for over a week now and there is no way I can catch up with my beauty sleep during the day too [unlike before] because of my present change of predicament.

It has been a week now since I had that almost fatal car accident at Waterboro Road but the scene keeps playing on my mind over and over again and I can’t seem to make it stop. The scene keeps coming back too even when I am wide awake. And it keeps bugging me every single moment that I am not destructed by my work load. For a change, this is the only instance that “work – per se” works as a destruction… in a most positive way.

It’s hard to start the day when you didn’t have a good night sleep. But the situation in the home front is kinda different now since I got my new job. I couldn’t be happier to do a “real” job now after being a bum stay-at-home wife for almost two years. But what makes my day even worse is that I had to drive down the same road [where I had the car accident] to go to work and back everyday now because that is the shortest route to reach my workplace. And I have no choice. I need a job so I need to deal with my fear everyday from now on.

On the hindsight, the accident opened up my heart to really understand the meaning of life. It gave me a chance to really know how precious life is. It gave me an opportunity to appreciate God’s gift without reservation and doubt. It gave me the possibility to see the goodness in other people and strangers alike who stopped on the road ready to help us. And more importantly, it gave me a second chance to live life to the fullest with a different perspective... a renewed hope... and a stronger faith in God.

NOTE: To read about the full detail of the car acciddent... click here.

My Second Lease on Life

December 17, 2008: It was a Wednesday. It supposed to be a good day for me.

I was so ecstatic to drive 30 miles [or so] to Sanford for contract signing and work briefing for the [very] first job I was accepted for since I came here in the United States. Being a bum and jobless stay-at-home wife for almost 2 years, it meant so much to me. Hubby missed work just to go with me to Sanford because he was worried about the road condition. We had a snow storm the night before and roads were really shitty bad. It was my first winter driving and I had no idea what slushy road meant much less how it felt like behind the wheel. But I got to do what I had to. I need to learn how to drive in winter roads.

Maine is very beautiful in winter time. It is picture perfect especially after a snow storm. It is like a life-size greeting card with me on it all bundle up. But beyond that beauty lays a treacherous road that I was not so familiar with. Black Ice season is totally unheard of from where I came from. I am so used to dusty roads which sometimes caused zero visibility and frying-pan-hot pavements in 80 degrees tropical backdrop. But that's all about it. Road accidents are usually caused by crazy motorists and not because of bad road conditions [or maybe on some isolated cases].

It already stopped snowing and the sun started to show up when I hit the road. But the roads were still covered with white powdery snow flakes that made it impossible for me to see the yellow lines in the middle of the road. It made it tough for me to know where the road ends and where the ditch begins. It made it hard for me to realize too that the plummeting temperature made the road slushy and icy. Needless to say, the snow storm made the road’s condition even worse because we still have not gotten over yet with the ice storm that caused statewide power outages the week before.

Everything happened so fast. I drove back home after I signed the contract and stopped a couple of times at the stores to do the rest of my Christmas shopping. I hit the road back on right after without any hint of the fate we were about to have in the next couple of miles ahead. I had no clue that I was driving right on the ditch until Hubby alarmed me. I didn’t know the difference because the road was all covered in white and I didn’t know how it feels like when the tires are spinning. When I went back on the road, the tires started to spin and as I stirred the wheel the car slid sideways going to the opposite lane. My mind, my hands and my foot seemed to be uncoordinated and my heart started to sink. At that moment I knew deep inside where we were heading. Hubby was hollering about something that I can’t figure out or maybe I was already totally disoriented because the stirring wheel seemed to have a mind of its own. Next thing I knew Hubby grabbed the stirring wheel trying to straighten it up so I let it go while my foot jammed on the break. There was indeed nothing we both could do to get the car back on the right side of the road. My poor car went straight to the ditch on the other side of the road and hit the huge pine tree head on. My heart stopped. My right knee felt as if someone hit it with a hammer. My hands were numbed but shaking. My whole body was trembling. Tears came running down my checks. I was totally scared and I just shut my eyes and sobbed.

But there was something wrong. There was one thing that definitely wrong. I didn’t hear anything… not even the sound of the crash or the impact of the car hitting that big pine tree. I know I was screaming… "Oh, God! Oh, God! No! No!" But that… I didn’t even seem to hear too. I knew I was crying but not because I was hurt. I was crying because I was seeing in my mind that Hubby was pinned down on the passenger’s seat covered with blood and motionless. I saw that image in my mind for a couple of minutes. Then I started to gain my hearing back. I started to hear the squeaking sound of the branches of the trees as the briskly wind blew hard. I started to feel cold. And I started to open my eyes to see what had just happened. I looked on the passenger’s seat. It was empty. The door was open and Hubby was not there. I shut my eyes again and sobbed harder. I could hear myself screaming and sobbing all at the same time. Next thing I knew, Hubby was on my side. He managed to get out of the car… went to my side… opened my door… and checked on me. He was hugging me and asking me if I was alright... if I was hurt. I opened my eyes. Having realized what was really going on at that very instant, I sobbed harder and hugged him so tight... thankful that he was alright.

I cried hard enough that made Hubby more worried than ever. I cried hard because I was so relief that Hubby was by my side alive and hugging me. I cried hard because I was so glad that we were both safe and unharmed.

I managed to get out of the car as soon as I got the strength to pull myself out of the driver’s seat. It was freezing cold but I could taste the saltiness of my perspiration [or was it my tears]. Hubby already called 911 and our insurance agent but still I couldn’t believe that he was standing beside me with his free arm wrapped around my cold body. At that particular instant all I was thinking was… how blessed we are to have survived such mishap.

Indeed, God is good for sending us his angels to protect us. I was so thankful for all those people who stopped offering us help and assistance. And I am grateful that I was given a second chance to appreciate how fragile life is.

Saturday, December 6, 2008


For a change, I went out to feel the cold wintery breeze. I went out to see the wintery landscapes. I went out to check out the uncrowded stores.

For a change, the cold wintery breeze isn't that cold at all. It felt kinda damped. It felt kinda chilly. And it felt kinda nippy but not as cold as the year before.

For a change, the wintery landscapes are not bad too. The trees had shed all its leaves from its branches. The ponds are already somewhat frozen. And the hills are clothed in frost but not as frosted as the year before.

For a change, the stores were not too crowded. There are lots of festive decorations that could attract the shoppers. There are still a lot of things on display and on sale. And there are still a lot of things to buy not not a lot of souls who wanted to spend.

For a change, it is Christmas season and I can feel it in the wind. I can see it in the landscapes. But I can't tell it in the shoppers' spirit. Is it the recession? If it is, we do need change.

Saturday, November 22, 2008

My Father was Never Around

It’s my father’s birthday today. If he was alive, he is already 75 years old. If he was still around, he would have been asking me practically everyday [online] if I am having a baby yet. If he was still alive, he would have been waiting for me all day to go online so I could talk to him. If he was still alive, he would have been looking at my photo albums all the time whether from our countless collections or in my Friendster account. If he was still alive, I wouldn’t have to miss him this much.

I have some vivid recollections of my father as I and my two brothers were growing up. Though my memories of him are not that much because he was away most of our growing up years but still we cherish those memories. He left the country when I was in 4th Grade and worked in a ship as a Seaman for 20 long years. I was already working when he finally retired and put up a printing business. It was his dream-come-true kind of business.

My father was not around when I was growing up. He missed a lot of those special and significant events in my life. He was not there when I graduated from Elementary. He was not there when I graduated from High School. He was not there when I graduated from College. And he is already gone when I graduated from Graduate School and received my Master’s Degree. He was never around because he worked so hard to send us to school.

I hardly know my father though I know that he loved music. He loved to sing to me and my two brothers when we were kids. He loved to play the harmonica and we were his only audience. But I don’t know if he knew how to dance. I have never seen him dance. I never had the chance to dance with him and had a "Father and Daughter Dance" number. He was not around when I turned 18th. And he is already gone when I got married. He was never around because he worked hard to give us a good life.

It’s my father’s birthday today and I had no recollection how he celebrated his birthdays when he was still around. He usually celebrated his birthday on the ship. And he had never attended any of his kids’ birthdays too. When he was home for a short vacation, it was always a time where there was nothing to celebrate at all. There were only about a couple of Christmases that we celebrated with him. And we celebrated their Silver Wedding Anniversary a month late because it was the only time that he got his vacation. He was never around to enjoy life because we was busy working to give as a happy life.

My father may not be around now but I do know that he is very much around in spirit. He is very much around when I feel sad. He is very much around when I am afraid. He is very much around when I am homesick. He is very much around when I am happy. My father was not always around when he was still alive but he was always there when we needed him.

Happy Birthday Dad... Thank you for not being around. I love you much and I miss you.

Friday, November 7, 2008

The Last Breakfast

He woke me up a little late than usual that early morning of March 1996. The sun was already up and blinding my eyes as it flooded my room with warm bright light. It was already a quarter passed six in the morning and it was not a good sign. It meant that I was already late for work. So, I hurriedly jumped out of my bed and sprinted my way to the bathroom. The cold water instantaneously woke my sleeping consciousness up and that gave me my needed tug to come around. My time in the bathroom was short compared to my normal routine. After the quick cold bath, I did everything I got to do that morning all so quickly to get things done with the little time I had in my hand.

As I was coming down the stairs I saw him sitting on the coach with his hands on his head and his elbows leaning on his knees. He seemed not feeling well. I thought maybe he was just still sleepy. He was usually up by 3 in the morning and already working on some printing orders in his workshop while the rest of the world was still sound asleep. He would prepare breakfast at around 4 o’clock while Minerva [the printing machine] was still running and printing on its own. He usually woke me up around 4:30 AM so I could take a warm bath because I still need to get the heater ready for that. I was usually having breakfast by 5:30 AM and out of the house [with my packed lunch which he also prepared as he made my breakfast] by quarter to six. And when I come home from work at around 6 pm, a warm and hearty supper was already waiting for me to feast on.

He woke me up a little late that morning. Unlike before, he did not walk me to the door like he used to do every morning when I leave for work. And that morning I vividly hear what he said as I was about to walk to the door. I can vividly remember he said… "I guess you have to make your own breakfast tomorrow."

It was indeed the last breakfast that he cooked for me and the last breakfast that I would ever treasure… because that night Dad passed away.

Monday, October 27, 2008

Of Patriotic Clowns and Political Circus

I don’t know about you… but Election Season is the season I hate most. Election season is indeed the most unfavorable season of all. I am so tired of the election campaign. This is the season for digging up skeletons from the closets. This is the season to glorify no one but the politicians themselves. This is the season for that orchestrated pageantry of opinionated and highly infuriating spectacle of double-faced political actors who are ready to gulp down each others’ opponent in permissible passion.

This is the season for “I-am-and-You-are-not”. You know what I mean… I am – good at this and that… I am – responsible for this one and that one… I am – the one who started this thing and that thing. And you are not – like me who is more educated in taxes… you are not – like me who is more knowledgeable when it come to economy… you are not – like me who has the power to give peace to this country.

Some people have their own way of dealing with their own narcissistic, egotistical and self-centered scheme to convince other people that they are the best persons in the job. Some people will do their best without a hint of guilt to discredit other people just to establish their personal interests. And some people will go a great length to uplift themselves for self-glorification to get people’s vote.

What values do we get from all of this? What do we teach our youth when they see the politicians blaming each other for all the mistakes that they themselves did? And why no one is taking responsibility for all the mistakes they were responsible for? Election is a game of charade for high-class patriotic [as they always claim] clowns who are willing to sacrifice [again, as they also claim] for the love of the country. And our youth are the one who will always take the blow.

In fairness with other politicians… some of them are really good… some of them are really doing their job well… and some of them are really dedicated to serve the people and the country. The only problem is that… those politicians who are not-that-good can drag those good ones down just like a rotten apple in the basket.

Election season will be over in a week’s time. People will vote for the candidates who they believe are saying the truth. People will make their choices and will hope that their choices are the best for the country. And people will once again put their trust on those candidates who promise that they will serve them. The question now is… will they keep their promises?

Thursday, October 16, 2008

Inspiration… anyone?

Inspiration… I need inspiration! That was the first word I typed. That was the first word the came out in my mind. That was the first word that I guess I should deal with today. Inspiration – that was the first thought that popped up as I was looking at the blank page of this MS Word program where I was typing on.

You and I need inspiration [or I was just guessing]. People need inspiration [at least I believe so]. Everybody needs inspiration [or maybe not everyone]. But the question is... do we really need inspiration to be able to do anything? Is inspiration hard to come by? Will I ever feel or touch or taste it? Is there a sign that will give me a clue that I already have it?

“I need inspiration.” That’s what I say as I prepared to write down my thoughts for today. I don’t know if I really need one or I really just don’t have any idea of what to write about. So in that case... I was bluffing. But oftentimes I ask the same question before I start any project or any chore that I have to do. So in that case... it is habitual. Maybe I just wanted to psyche myself up so that ideas would come pouring like rain. So in that case... I was just plain clueless. Or better yet, I just use it as a cliché to jumpstart my brain to thinking of something to write about. So in that case... I am a nut case. But then, maybe I was wrong. A lot of times, I am wrong about a lot of things. And in that case... I am doomed! Big time!

“People need inspiration.” I wonder... [inspiration started coming] did Michelangelo have an inspiration when he sculpted David to perfection or when he painted The Last Judgment on the altar wall of Sistine Chapel? Did Shakespeare have any inspiration that led him to pen one of the greatest love stories ever told? And what about Bill Gates? Was it also inspiration that led him to come up with the idea of creating Microsoft software [that we bloggers are enjoying right now] and made him the 3rd richest man in the world? Now, I really wondering [inspiration kept coming].

“Everybody needs inspiration.” In this crazy world we live in, inspiration can disguise itself as hope to make life livable. In these tough times, inspiration can give us the strength to be strong. And with all the uncertainties that we encounter with our personal battle in life, inspiration helps us to stay steadfast and resilient.

Inspiration… we all need inspiration! Inspiration comes in all shape… size… and color. Inspiration can be anything from tangible to illusive… from substantial to deceptive… from significant to delusional. There are a lot of questions still left unanswered when we talk about inspiration and we can go on and on and on. But one thing is sure… YOU CAN ALWAYS BE AN INSPIRATION TO OTHERS! You only have to make that choice.

Monday, September 29, 2008

I am so blogging now... again

I am a compulsive blogger [whatever that means]. I have 8 blogs of my own that need equal attention. I have several other blogs that I babysit – 4 for my baby brother, 2 more for my cousin and 5 for my former school and l also co-author 2 more blogs [My Pink Notes and Bizarre Marriage] of my friend who is now on vacation. And I am running out of time… words… and sanity.

Blogging gives me time to reflect… aspire… inspire… and whine about the things I see… I feel… I taste… I smell… and I dream about. Blogging is a way of life to me now that it is more convenient and accessible. Blogging gives me the freedom to express my sentiments over things that matter most to me or worse… condemn them. Blogging provides me power to articulate my deepest emotion to get my ideas across or worse… attack the issue with the same power to get result. Blogging offers me an opportunity to communicate without hesitations or better… transcends barriers limited by geographical obstacle. And blogging helps me keep my sanity intact or worse… makes me insane.

Blogging is my refuge. And My REFUGE [this blog] is one of the oldest blogs I created. And when I started adding one blog after another… this baby was neglected. Of course I have alibis but it doesn’t justify the fact that I can be negligent of this baby… or worse, totally get rid of it. I am a hoarder. I just can’t let go of this one. I need to keep it because I know someday I will need it. And to prove my point, I even made a facelift on it. I dressed it up with new header design and new template with new color and lay-out that I found at And more importantly, I am soooo posting today. Yep, I am so blogging here now because the last post I had was… almost 6 months ago.

Sunday, May 25, 2008

Of trust and faith

I recently had a miscarriage. It was my first pregnancy. It was my first miracle. It was my first heartbreaking experience yet, as a woman and a mother.

As a woman, I was able to feel even for just a short period of time how fragile life is. I was able to realize how important life is. I was able to know how significant my role is.

As a mother, I was able to feel even for just a short span of time the gift of life. I was able to realize how important that miracle of life was. I was able to know how significant life was.

The experience… the loss… the pain… did not shake my faith a bit. And I was more amazed how strong it made me. I was astounded how tough it made me. I was surprised how firm it made me.

God has reason. God has other plans. God knows what is good to me. I cannot be angry. I cannot be mad. I cannot be hurt. I trust... I believe... I have faith... for God is good.

Monday, March 31, 2008

The reality of reality shows

I’m not a big fan of reality shows. It bores me. The storyline sucks. The actors are pretentious. But there are people who are addictive to it. Others are amused by it. And some are simply have nothing else to watch. Still the world is watching. Big businesses benefit from it through commercial airing. Participants from it get the exposure they need to get their aspirations go to the next level. And T.V. Shows producers get rich.

The proliferation of the reality shows could be blamed for the alteration of imbedded values. Morality has been altered. What is immoral before is way too acceptable now. Some social values and principles have been modified to gain commercial value which in the past was too precious and priceless.

True love is now a quest between a hot guy/gal and a hoard of aspirants/contestant/wannabes vying for the big prize… the “Hottie” and a million dollar. Nice huh? What ever happened to true love?

What about privacy? Don’t people give a damn about privacy now? Poor Brittney. Is it now the norm to live a life where the entire universe is watching your every move? Big brothers are big losers. No matter how hard one tries to live a normal life [in reality or otherwise], still you need to put an act because at the back of your mind… you know the camera is rolling. And you will be judged one way or another.

And what’s with survivors? What’s with all these people doing the craziest things to survive what? An entire season of competitive foolishness? Don’t we all struggling to survive everyday of our lives just trying to make both ends meet? Is completing a task harder than figuring out how to put food on the table especially if you have 5 mouths to feed and earning below minimum wage? Which is harder? Eating live worms or not eating at all? At the end of the day… those survivors who ate the worms were probably given hearty meals behind the camera and those people [who watched them] have nothing to eat and have to spend the night with their stomach still empty and rumbling.

Reality takes a big toll on people’s life or is it the other way around? Real living is a process of discovery… of adaptation… of survival. And so we must re-discover life every chance we get… adapt to life to have a chance to live… and survive to get another chance to do things all over again. Change in reality is the only permanent thing in life and we must accept that. The reality of life is changing and changing life is for real.

Sunday, March 30, 2008

lighthouses... strawberry fields... and cold summer nights

Airborne at 35,000 miles above sea level, the view from top was scary yet breath-taking. It was a Tuesday, the 29th day of May 2007 in the eastern time zone and Continental Airlines Boeing 747 was cruising steadily (with a few turbulence, though) above what seemed to be an endless ocean of ice-capped mountain peaks and snow-powdered Alaska Range moving on across the Canadian Shield heading down to the impressive gentle hills and peaks of the Appalachian Mountains in east coast mainland USA. It was a sight to behold but the 12-hour flight from Tokyo, Japan to Newark, New Jersey was too exhausting for me to appreciate the majestic landscape below. I have never traveled more than eight thousand miles until now. The long queues of tourists and immigrants alike from all over the world (I was guessing) at the US Port of Entry in Newark waiting to be interrogated by the US Immigration Officers made my day longer if not more taxing. But the ordeal ended instantaneously when I was airborne again after 3 hours of rigid inspection at the Custom and was sitting-pretty at the belly of yet another smaller aircraft northeast-bound of the northern hemisphere. My destination... the 23rd state of the United States of America and the biggest state in the New England Region... Maine.

It was 11:30pm and the plane touched down on the dot. I was lucky that all my flights were on time or else I might be rotting pretty good. Shortly, I saw that familiar face again. That same face that used to cheer me up every time I go online. Those hazel eyes that drove me to jot down some of my inspired thoughts again on blog and other online literary postings (like this one). My soon-to-be-hubby was an hour early waiting for me at the lobby of Portland International Jetport anticipating my grand arrival, so to speak. It didn't take long before we were able to locate my three red luggage and soon afterwards they were dumped at the back of his GMC Sierra and I was comfortably strapped at the passenger's seat going to Ogunquit, York County.

Maine is one of the best places I have been to so far. Definitely different from the four other places I've been and specifically more significant too. Maine is considered as the "easternmost town of the United States of America" maybe because it is at the border of Canada and at the upper eastern tip of the North American continent [geographically speaking]. It is composed of 16 counties. It has a total land area of 33,215 sq. miles with a total of only over a million populations and a ratio that sums up to 41 persons per square mile. Maine has 6,000 lakes and ponds [with over 3 thousand miles and 200 miles of shoreline and coastline, respectively] where its people go ice-fishing on wintertime and where water sports Yankees cool down on summertime. It is where its people get their most famous livelihood and produce... lobsters. It has lots of rivers to explore too. It also has 17 million acres of forest where many Mainers go for moose (the state's animal), deer, bear and turkey hunting - their number one past-time. Yes, hunting is big-time here. It's a sport and a hobby that most Mainers have grown up to. But you can't just go hunting here, one need to get a license to be able to do so for there are rules to follow and there are specific seasons and places to do it. So much for the animal rights crusaders around, for you can't be heard here, you are definitely out-numbered by the hunters.

Maine's mountains are rich in minerals and gemstones... tourmaline being the state's gemstone is a real beauty and precious. Mining is not just one of the biggest industries here... it's a past-time and a hobby as well for many adventure-seekers. Maine's forest is rich in pine trees (white pine the state's tree), that is why it is called the Pine State. Many tourists from out-of-state and neighboring Canada come here to enjoy summertime for Maine is called Vacationland too. Being so, it never fails to live up to that expectation for summer in Maine is cool and light. Cool summer nights are good for camping and there are lots of campsites around the state. Campers and RVs trekking the main roads are a common sight because summertime in Maine means fun time. I came to Maine when it was almost at the end of spring and the beginning of summer, and that... was something. I was awed by the experience. The landscape changes dramatically as we drove from one county to another. Miles and miles of mono-chromatic green rolling hills covered in thick pine and maple trees surrounding pristine blue lakes and rivers and countless watershed are always awesome and picture-perfect. Acres and acres of valleys covered with hay or grass peppered with tiny yellow and white daisies seemed to look like a huge live painting. And from that day on, I knew, I will never get tired of looking at those scenic places here for each time we visit or drive by the same place over and over again, it feels like I been there the first time... always. Maine is always changing, always enticing, and always captivating.

Augusta is the capital of the state but Portland is the biggest city. Cities here are not like any other cities in the world. It could get really busy at rush hour and traffic jam is not totally a new thing in the main streets but it is still a little bit laid back and more relaxed. You can't see high towering buildings here or skyscrapers like in other industrialized and modern cities of the world. Here, simplicity is not an issue; it's the way of life. Colonial style buildings and architecture give the state a rustic feel to the city. While white or gray pointed church steeples seen from afar sticking out from the bushy, shaggy and leafy branches of pines and maple trees from a cozy neighborhood give a hint of a distinct New England appeal. The cities are indeed enchanting yet down-to-earth... surreal yet natural... seductive yet evasive.

Maine has a certain charm about it, a distinct beauty and character that captivated my heart from day one. The crisp cool breeze certainly sent shiver to my spine but the sunshine gave my cold cheeks a gentle warm caress. Maine is where I will be for the next five years or so. And that is not an understatement. Having said so, I know I have to be ready for what it takes. There are lots of things I need to learn here [like driving a mile or two just to go to the store to get a Power Ball (lottery) ticket or an ice cream, perhaps]... a lot of things I need to adjust to [like the weather, for it really is freezing up here even in summertime (the time frame of this post for wintertime is indeed another story to tell or write)]... a lot of things I need to get used to [like waking up to the chirping sound of the chickadee (the state's bird), seeing a herd of deer munching on my hubby's vegetable garden, or a couple of squirrels and chipmunks in our driveway chewing on maple seeds, or having a rafter of wild turkeys looking for a place to spend a night in our backyard, or simply meeting papa bear (sometimes with mama bear and baby bear tagging along) crossing the street]... a lot of things I look forward to [like strawberry and blueberry picking, shopping for flowers and vegetables seeds, boating, fishing, camping, hiking, gold panning and tourmaline mining]... and a lot of things I will never get tired of [like visiting the light houses (there are more than 20 of it all over the state and they are gorgeous for I was married in one of them, the historical Portland Head Light which was built in 1786 way before George Washington became the first president of the United States)]. Maine is unpredictable and full of surprises. It is cold and yet with a calming warmth. It is here where my life takes a whole new world... a whole new experience... a whole new existence.

Maine is definitely a new place for me... a new life... a new beginning. Maine is where my home now. And Maine is where my heart will be... for now.

(NOTED: This was first published at naggingTHOUGHTS on September 23, 2007)

Saturday, March 29, 2008

Confession of an endangered Spinster (Part 1)

I am not really sold to the idea that love takes time. Being impatient and trained to live life in the fast-track, I want everything pronto. For me, waiting is not a welcome choice it is simply an alibi to evade something to save one's face from the reality of being misplaced.

I have 42 years of life experiences so far with all the right trimmings that made me what and who I am now. I have led a life full of hopes and dreams which are the very foundation of a life well-lived. I also had my fair share of romance on the side besides my eagerness to "fit in" in a society where career and achievements are the basic qualifications to be accepted as an aspiring and highly-motivated individual in the corporate world where money, power and greed reign supreme. I succeed. But I was restless still. And with all the troubles I put up with my desire to reach the top of the corporate ladder, I got confused half-way on my way up.

And then I came to a point when I literally needed a panic-room to shield myself from all the pressures of what my controlling world had put me up into. I was lonely, starved, poor, and felt unloved. I almost forgot that there is more to life than work, parties, shopping, and being complacent with routine.

Reality check did a great job when all my friends got married and have babies one after another (except for one). That gave me no other choice but to dream dreams. The feeling of being there, witnessing their exchange of vows... feeling their bliss... and overwhelmed by their own happiness somehow gave me a funny feeling of delight mixed with a hint of envy and despair. It hits me big time when I realized that there is indeed one thing I have not given much attention to in my life because I was too pre-occupied with my career and other co-curricular activities. I almost forgot that there is something I have not achieved yet in life and that something is huge... relationship.

Relationship is not something new. It is our support system that sustains us through life and its many struggles. Without it we'll hardly survive. People who say that they need no one in their lives are in denial, so much so that the "no man is an island" maxim is just a cliché. We need someone to laugh, cry, talk, argue, fight, or deal with. We need someone to feel secure... to love or to hate... to emulate or contradict.... to listen to our whining or wishful thinking... to share our dreams or hopes [or even the latest gossips].

There are different kinds of relationship but the one that deals with romance - being with someone special... who is willing to sacrifice for you... die for you... grow old with you... spend the rest of his life with you... gee’s... isn't it something? People do need people. We all need someone. [I think] I need someone. And I need someone now, pronto!

So I came into my senses morbidly realizing that I was too preoccupied with a lot of crap in the past few crucial years of my existence. Then, I started to panic because I'm not getting any younger. Then I began to be alarmed because I realized too that my biological clock is ticking and running out of precious time. Then, I started to be scared out of my wits to realize as well that my options reached a dead end. I had no money, no power, no "single-still" friends, no relationship, and no love life. Life sucks!

I will survive. That was my initial reaction. But fear crept in when I suddenly doubted if I still have "it". IT. You know... that certain inexplicable narcissistic orientation one has that spells... C-H-A-R-M. Women often think they have it to the extreme. It is a sense of unconscious egotism and unrealistic self-glorification for something unrealistically untrue or just plain ego-centrism [whatever!].

“It" is what women would give a great deal of effort just to achieve a feeling of fulfillment and satisfaction (so they claim). It is what most rich and powerful women would spend their entire fortune just to stay in the running for the sake of being accepted and respected in the social arena. The truth is, it [sub-consciously] became the epicenter of my bruised self-esteem that very moment too.

An unfamiliar dread engulfed me with inexplicable veracity that exposed my vulnerable spirit to the unknown gravity of my personal predicament. It then urged me to have a thorough self-evaluation to calm my nerve down a bit. The constant nagging I get from my colleagues, relatives and other people didn't help either. It only put more pressure on my current pressing dilemma.

Unmasked by the naked truth of what the future brings, I was overpowered with terror by the reality right before my eyes. For the first time in my life I was not that confident of myself anymore.

My hair was a mess. All those hair products I've tried all these years and even the regular visit to the salon for hair treatments [like re-bonding, hair spa, cellophane and what-not] just to achieve that perfect shine and softness that guys fall for [like in the shampoo commercial] just didn't work. The more it made my hair stressed-out, dry and unmanageable.

Those countless bottles and jars of beauty products that I applied on my face and body [day and night] or the regular body scrub, facial massage and foot spa rubbed me off my ability to comprehend the real meaning of the famous expression "beauty is skin deep". I was in deep s _ _ t.

My body, on the other hand, is also not in perfect shape despite the rigid belly dancing, yoga and pilates that I do religiously. And the numerous attempts to starve myself to death just to lose a few pounds were just a waste of time because I gain them right back up after a couple of days because of all those invites I never turned down. South Beach Diet became Yo-yo diet.

Then I gave up. If I can't trust my looks to lure Mr. Right to seduction and if God permits... to marriage... I need to think of something else. I know I got more to offer than good looks. Physical attributes are not really that important. Not all guys are after trophy girlfriends. And not all of them are after money. Good thinking... for I don't have all of the above.

What I got right now is character. And that gave me the drive to do something to deal with the situation. I thought maybe I need to retrieve my active files for prospective future partner [I got a few, though]. Nah!

Seriously, I realized how crazy I was to let go of all those chances I had in the past when I was at the peak of my youth. But there is no room for regrets now. I believe that regret is only for the loser. I am hopeful. I do have doubts though, but I won't dwell in it for I know it's pointless to be hopeful and yet have no faith. Faith gives us the ability to live a hopeful life.

(Continuation on the next post.)

Friday, March 28, 2008

Confession of an endangered Spinster (Part 2)

I was not really picky nor did I set high standard on choosing my future partner, it's just that, I thought I have enough time in my hands [and I do have a different taste in men - there I had to admit it!]. Then I got torn between the past and the future, and the present is in limbo. "Where the hell am I going to find the right guy now?", I asked myself as I kicked in to my early 40s. Most of the guys I know are either married or gay... too young or too old... uninteresting or "never-mind".

One thing I love about myself is that I am not a quitter and I am very creative with almost everything. Never under estimate the power of positive thinking so they say. It is another life line I could hold on to in case I am really destined to single hood. But then, if there is one thing I am thankful about aside from my faith in God [because I was also into novena, pilgrimage, and more] it is the gift of technology.

Isn't it a good thing that our world is blessed with technology? Globalization is inevitable. It makes the world small and brought people from all over the world together in tremendous ways. Technology is one of the best things that ever happened to me.

But it isn't that easy to find a real and honest-to-goodness relationship even with the aid of technology. Going global relationship-wise is a no brainer. I spent all my resources and energy going online in search of that missing part of me. Like the ocean, the net is swarming with fishes, all species, sizes and color. [I got to have my share, one way or another.] It was an experience of a lifetime. I met them all [young, old, cute, perverts, pretentious, melancholic, over-dramatics, over-nice, cold, prejudice]... you name them, they are all there 24/7.

I learned a lot too... different culture, orientation, beliefs and idealism. It is one aspect of the entire experience that I appreciate somehow. I made a lot of friends too (and some enemies also, sorry can't help it.). The world indeed is such a small place and reaching out is not just possible but unbeatable.

I spent 4 years building and establishing all sorts of cyber relationships [some beneficial, some otherwise] hoping that one day I will find the right match. And like in the ocean, I caught a few ones.... in all kinds too... small and big ones, nice and bad and they just come and go. The experience kept my hopes up and kept me dreaming hard. It was exhausting.

I did get some marriage proposals at an average of two offers each session. Boy, I was too in-demand. My commercial value in the international market is so high that it set my self-esteem soaring. It certainly is a booster. It was chaotic yet fun. But most of the time I only played along and played safe.

So I played along for four solid years, accepting marriage proposals left and right from guys all over the world. I got offers from guys I hardly know or who would give lots of promises. And I would accept knowing that they too were just playing along, bluffing or hoping to get lucky. I was desperate to meet a deadline. I was desperate to achieve something so that I can put a stop to all the pressures I get from work, family and the entire community. I was desperate to have a closure once and for all.

One of the advantages of having a relationship online is that you are not bound with any moral responsibilities because there are certain limitations that you can set yourself or not at all. Having several BFs all at the same time is not a taboo because you are the only one who knows that it exist unless you tell them. And physical contact is impossible, totally. However, you need to be careful too because the internet can be dangerous because it is the breeding ground for globalize perverts. Some people can be too creative and graphic to get perversion justified and nobody wants to be violated. It can be too offensive especially for the neophytes but as you learn the rope you'll be fine. Being on the defensive is safe enough to enjoy the benefits of the internet.

*But as things went on, having a relationship one after another tired me so bad, I almost gave up. Cyber relationship, I realized, is just any other relationship. It may be virtual and yet it could hurt as bad. I had my share of virtual frustrations and disappointments too. Virtual relationship is as real as it can be. I did have sleepless nights crying over online fights with my cyber-BFs. I had countless heated arguments over issues due to language barrier, conflicting points of view, diverse cultural orientations or overwhelming pressure about something unreasonable. And one day, as I signed in for the Nth time, I was resigned to stop hoping. I just got online to check my e-mails... went to the chatroom just for a peek and thought I'll call it a day. Then... it happened.

The usual "Hello" popped up, followed by the all-familiar "A.S.L. pls." Nice as I've always been and friendly as I can be, I replied to each typed questions in the YM chat box... and before I know it, I was chatting to a wonderful guy 10,000 miles away and half-the-world apart. I finally met HIM.

Unknown to me... he is the one I have been waiting for all my life. Finally, I met the one who is the answer to my prayer. He is the one who swept me off my feet. The one I've decided to spend the rest of my life with. And the rest is history.

Now, I am happy. Now I don’t have to worry about "singledom". Now, I have nothing to regret about the past. Now, I can plan for the future for the present is here now... now that I have found him.

Inspired by my recent achievement and consumed by my personal victory over a psychological battle about the future, the present now gives hope to other singles-still out there who are equally hopeful-still to start a family in their late years. Rejoice for life indeed begins at 40.

At present, I can proudly justify to those 40 something women to hold on to their dreams because indeed there is hope. I believed and that's all you need to know.

Fast-forward to the future, I found myself in a position now where I still don't regret anything about my past. The past taught me more than life itself. The past prepared me for the future. The past gave me the strength to carry on with the present. And the past is something I will always love to look back to in my prime when I feel in the mood to travel down memory lane.

(NOTE: This was written on August 31, 2007 and published first at naggingTHOUGHTS)

Oh!... Men!

I always consider men as basic needs. From a woman's point of view... this conviction came from different angles. Basic needs mean - something you can't live without. But me - being single until now... only proves that I can survive somehow. I came from a family dominated by men. Being an only daughter, my mom was my only influence on women's liberation issues. My dad and my two brothers, on the other hand, are basically additional stimuli that shaped my very foundation and knowledge of men in general. Some people might not agree with my personal opinion, but does it matter? I had my fair share of relationships and acquaintances with a few good men in the past and my experiences varied. These and other not so important circumstances gave rise to my own understanding of men.

Good men who I believed now as "endangered species" [because they are now becoming extinct] are so hard to find. Lucky are those women who were able to catch them. Pitiful are those who were conned. Hopeful are those who are still waiting. And lonely are those who will never get to see the dawn. Where do i fit in, anyway? I'm the positive one... who will never give up believing in miracles.

My past experiences were a learning process and I've learned so much from them. And the lessons, I know will guide me in the future relationship that I will cherish for the rest of my life. So here goes:

1. Think with your heart and love with your mind. The equilibrium will keep your both feet flat on the grounds.

2. Never show your man how much you love him... He thinks you are possessive. Never let him know how much you care... He feels you are apprehensive. And never ever under any circumstances trust his promises. You will just get disappointed.

3. Honesty doesn't always work. A man who is honest tells you what you do not want to hear. And a dishonest man accused you of the things you are suspecting him of. The boomerang theory works well with him.

4. ON THE FUNNY NOTE: Money isn't everything. Happy is the man... who has no money yet found a girl. But happier is the girl... who found the man - who has money.

I may not be an expert in the matters of the heart but I do believe in the reality of the matter. My experiences are not all so happy ones but who cares? Being attached is a matter of choice. One day, I know I will take my turn and find someone I will choose to spend the rest of my life with. And when that time comes... I know things will not be all smooth and easy. Mr. Right, as we all know is still too busy running his own business at the moment and for eternity to come [I supposed]. Should I wait or should I not? The answer will pop up sooner or later. But for the time being, I just rely on my own gut feeling.

I am all so tired of falling in love... the effort and time spent does not worth an investment. I stopped looking around for signs... the many choices at hand made it more complicated. I also started contemplating of living a single life, but nah, that was not an option. I chose to go with the flow for now... for I also believe... there comes a time when you will find someone who will make you cry... other times... you will encounter someone who will make you laugh. But once in your lifetime... you will find someone who will make you laugh and cry at the same time. And when it happens... I knew then - that the time has come.

This was written on September 20, 2006... when my concept about men in general was still blurred. Now, that I have finally found a “Man”... I still believe in some aspect of it. Something's telling me... you can't teach old dogs new tricks. Oh Men... you are driving us (women) crazy [both positively and negatively]. GLAD AM A WOMAN. THANKS GOD!)

Thursday, March 27, 2008

Life begins at 40

(NOTE: I wrote this when I turned 40 in March of 2005. But I published this on September 25 of the same year.)

I turned 40 this year. So what? At the back of my mind… all I can say is – no big deal! But is it? Or am I just trying to convince myself, it really is no big deal because I don’t have any choice?

Age is irreversible! Looking back now only triggers more allergy rashes or worse – psychosomatic attacks common to people either suffering from mid-life crisis or plain paranoia.

The countless nights I spent trying to figure out what I have done in the past 40 years made me dependent on VMV Illuminant Eye Cream to reverse the sign of aging. And at this point, it’s a consolation to know that at least there is still something irreversible.

Age is accountable! Now that I entered the “no return” realm, there is no other way to go but to move on. The many failures I had in the past gave me the strength to face new challenges. And the successes, on the other hand, gave me the inspiration to seek new life-giving experiences. But does it help? Or am I just trying to be positive because that’s the only sensible way to deal with it?

Those sleepless nights I spent trying to put my life in a new perspective did not help me to come up with new ideas but rather worsen my hemoglobin deficiency denying me three times as blood donor for Red Cross… a noble cause I tried to acquire to make myself useful in the society I am a part of.

Age too is inevitable! Immortality is only for the goddesses. Obviously, I can’t vie for it. Being a mortal is a liability to a certain extent. But to leave behind a legacy is something attainable to common people. This thought made me contemplate. Have I done something worth remembering me by? Or do I still have enough time to make a significance in other people’s lives or at least in some major decisions I still yet to make?

As an educator, I believe I have touched the lives of my students in one way or another. But I cannot deny the fact that being so, I can be accused too of making or breaking my students in principle or other wise. The many lessons I’ve learned in life partly came from my past experiences and partially from my former teachers. And so I ask myself after 9 years in this profession… have I made a difference in my students’ lives? With unshakable faith I can proudly say… absolutely! My confidence was probably fuelled by some former students who came back to thank me for being an inspiration to them.

I turned 40 this year. The next 40 years that have yet to come are still unpredictable. There are many questions yet to be answered and many more that are better left unanswered. But age is an opportunity for me lead life to the fullest… to achieve a certain degree of respect for life… and to cultivate a personal grasp of life expectations. Age is irreversible, age is accountable and age is inevitable. But life is a gift. What I make out of it… is my gift to the One who gave me life.


Transition is something inevitable. A series of it prepares one for the worse to come. It makes one a better person… or otherwise. I had my fair share many times in the past. And for the last forty years nothing hit me hard like a baseball bat than the one I had in 1994. I was at the peak of my career. The challenges were too tempting to think of anything but to be more competitive. Boy, I was too damn focused to achieve. There was no way to go but… up! And so I thought.

But transition is something inevitable. Nobody actually talked me into it. When things had gotten so monotonous, a career change was the most sensible decision I had to make. I felt that the corporate world was getting too complicated… or maybe it was my life, which was getting too complicated. I really didn’t know and it didn’t actually matter anyhow. I was so engrossed to leave the corporate world (or was it the corporate jungle?) The workplace was no longer a good place for me to stay insane. And so I left.

And transition is indeed inevitable. I was back in school building dreams anew and honing skills afresh. A paradigm shift was a scapegoat after all. Finally, I knew what I wanted in my life. My imagination has no limit. My idealism was too strong to stop me from doing what I wanted to do. And my spirit was too resilient that I had new hopes… new visions… new understanding of what life has yet to offer me. I felt that I got myself new wings to fly. And so I flew.

But transition is indeed inevitable. Being in this new profession, which I thought was the most rational move I made when I left the corporate jungle, was after all a scapegoat. After ten years I find myself again in a position not so new to me. Reality stares me eye to eye… and before I knew it my imagination ran weak… my idealism grew even weaker… and my spirit stirred frailly as I face each day with resignation. I know it is not a good sign, though. But what can I do? I really don’t know. But one thing is sure… I will make a move, one way or another. Life has to go on.

Life is a transition… and it is inevitable. It will surely pass… one way or another. And life goes on.

Note: This was written Sept. 19, 2005

learning to FORGIVE and FORGET

Life is too easy if we think we can forgive and forget. With all the troubles that we put up in making a relationship work, oftentimes we end up making it worse. But not too often though, other times we succeeded. And when we did, we know we accomplished something worth keeping.

Learning to forgive would be easy as A, B, C’s. But remembering how I learned the alphabet gave me a hard time [for it was a long time ago]. Looking at the rationality of forgiving, I know I am capable of it. “I’m open to option” – is not an alibi… it is actually a “mantra” that I am trying to infuse subliminally. Because to forgive is human… as the saying goes. And human as I am, so I’m capable. Time will tell… so goes the saying again.

To forget on the other hand… is completely a different issue. It entails a deeper understanding of one's self. It calls for total conversion of one's self to accept what is unconventional and to change what seem to be impossible. And in the end, forgetting is a decision one has to make. It doesn’t necessarily follow that when you forgive someone you also forget. But the possibility is promising for I am hopeful.

(NOTE: This was written on November 17, 2006)

Friday, March 14, 2008

this is the first time I will celebrate...

I turn 43 today.

This is the first time I will celebrate my birthday as a different person. I am a different person not because I re-invent myself. Though I have thought about it quite often, I just don't know how and where to start. I am a different person because, I am in a different place, time, and space (whatever that means.)

This is the first time I will celebrate my birthday out of the country I have known all my life. The place where I was born and the place I grew up from.

This is the first time I will celebrate my birthday as a married woman. I just married last year and this is the first time that I woke up with someone on my bed besides my pillows.

This is the first time I will celebrate my birthday with my new family, my husband's. I left my family back home and this is the first time they will celebrate my birthday without me.

This is the first I will celebrate my birthday that I am not thinking of presents, cakes and balloons. And this is the first time, I am not thinking of a birthday wish.

Well, there is always a "first time" for everybody. And yes, this is the first time and the only time I will turn 43 years old. Cheers for me!

Thursday, February 28, 2008

the frustrated writer... is a splogger

I am a splogger!

That's what a lady called me in another website where I recently signed up for. Despite the fact that I really don't have any clue what it means, I was hurt. I was humiliated. And I was disappointed.

It's not a major thing, actually. But the thing is... I am a writer. Or at least I believe so. And that's where the problem begins. This is not just a simple "thing." It's a big one... huge. Because for me, you are talking about life here.

Writing is my passion. It is my first love. And I would have been married to it if I had not met the love of my life. But even if I got married, I still continue a secret relationship with "it" because I just couldn't put an end to our romance. You know the saying... "first love never dies." ... that's how it is with me and my writing.

Every writer believes that he is good at his craft. Every writer takes pride of his writings. Every writer loves to know that his write-ups have an audience. And every writer needs to feel good about his writings.

When I was called a "splogger" by a lady who happens to be the one who is the top earner in that website, I was disappointed. She wrote... "You are a splogger and a splogger is not welcome here." I felt I was convicted of a crime and sentenced to death. For what crime? For publishing my collection of write-ups (all 7 of them in 1 day). By the way she puts it, I assumed that "a splogger" is somebody who is greedy enough to post all his write-ups depriving other authors to have their articles published. Or maybe, I am also guessing... since an author gets points for publishing his write-up and gets paid for the quantity and quality of his post... I speculate that "splogger" means someone who might be a threat to her current position. I don't know. I said I was just guessing.

Okay, okay, I was guilty. I was carried away. And I over did it. When I posted a couple of write-ups the moment I signed up and received some comments for it, I was elated. So what do you think it felt like? I was so excited and posted more from my collection. But maybe there are rules and regulations about it. Maybe it was my fault that I didn't know about that rules. And maybe I was plain naive. But I can't use this as an alibi. A writer doesn't take alibi for his action... he takes responsibility. So I deleted all the entries I posted the day I read that comment (excepts those entries, that already have some comments on it out of respect for those people who took time and effort to read my write-ups).

Actually, there are two people who reacted on my "splogging". The first one has nice words for me and gave me constructive criticism. She gave me some tips how to be more effective in the website and assured me that she just wanted me to start on the right foot and even encouraged me to write more but give considerations to other members. And the second one... she literally told me that - I am not welcome in the website.

Words are important for writers. These are their tools to make their ideas tangible. And words are powerful. So powerful that it can make or break a person. The comments I received were just words but they were so powerful. But they also say - it is not what you say, but how you say it. Two different comments but both affected me so much that I suddenly felt its blow that impacted me so bad. So bad that I came up to the realization that I am just a "frustrated writer."

I stopped writing after that. I stopped writing to give myself a time to lick my wounds. And I just stopped. Then I realized, I just can't stopped... writing. So here I am again. Writing and licking my wounds at the same time. Because someone told me too... "if you are a writer, you got to have thick skin." So here I am... growing some skin.

Monday, February 25, 2008

a lifetime occupation

NOTE: This was written on Valentine's Day of 2006.

When people talk about challenges, nothing beats those that deal with matters of the heart. Suffice it to say, it is almost impossible to take things lightly for no matter how hard one tries to elude the impact it presents, people will always get emotional one way or the other.

Valentine’s Day is a celebration of love and LOVE is a celebration of one’s deep feeling of compassion for someone who deserves it. Being in love is one of life’s amazing experiences that one can have. And those who have not experienced to fall in love definitely missed out on something momentous.

Being in love should be a lifetime occupation. It maybe an understatement though, but I believe that if people should work hard to stay in love, is it not an occupation or what? For after all, people continuously finding ways to express what’s in their hearts, and to attain it, I know is one hell of a job.

I can’t remember the first time I fell in love. This may come as a surprise for some because I know a lot of people will never forget their first love. Well in my case, it’s a different issue. I can’t remember the first time not because I am too old too remember it or because I had a selective memory dysfunction syndrome or because I totally had amnesia. I can’t remember the first time I fell in love simply because… I am a perpetually a "first-time-first-fall" kind of gal. This maybe something hard to believe but since the moment I was old enough to appreciate the beauty of being with someone special… and began to understand the meaning of affection and the warmth that it brought to my well-being… to the point of experiencing the joy of sharing the same emotion with someone equally appreciative, I knew then that falling in love is so amazing. And each time I fell out of it… I had to stand up and get ready to fall again the second [first] time around… and the third [first] time… and the next and so on.

But falling in love is a hard task. Love is a learning process that everyone has to undergo through without considering one’s limitation. People who went through the process gained varied learning experiences that eventually guided them to the next level. Well, we need to consider the fact too that even in this course… there are those who we regard as – fast and slow learners. And the word “failure” does exist in this field as well. That is why it is not surprising to hear that those who fail have totally given up on love. If falling in love is a hard task… falling out of it is greatly disheartening.

Love is a work out. Like our muscles, we need to work hard to harden our emotion in order to face the trials that come along the way… shape our judgment to be able to free ourselves from egotism and become selfless… strengthen our faith so that we will be able to see beyond what is not good and beautiful… tone our passion to be able to keep your desire burning with pure affection… and make our conviction firm so that we will be able to keep our good values in-tact.

I cannot count how many first loves I had in the past. All I can remember is that, each one is unique, each one is special, each one is educating, each one is illuminating and each one is memorable. I can’t even choose which one is my favorite and which one I do hate the most. All I know is that… the next time I fall (for the Nth first time)… I will be busy working my butt off again… for I’m "in" for another lifetime occupation.

Sunday, February 17, 2008

... love my... "whutt?"

Today's reading is taken from the Gospel of Matthew 5:44-45. "But I say to you, Love your enemies and pray for those who persecute you, so that you may be sons of your Father who is in heaven; for he makes his sun rise on the evil and on the good, and sends rain on the just and on the unjust".

Every good Christian with enemies know about this. Every good Christian who wants to go to heaven is trying very hard to follow it. And every good Christian with enemies and wants to go to heaven is struggling with it.

It's hard to be a Christian if you have an enemy.

I enjoy watching the Presidential Debates. I am always excited to know which presidential hopefuls will win in the caucuses and primaries and who's backing off from the race. Well, it's not that my opinion about a certain candidate matters, I just got my green card (conditional status) recently and I know I still don't have the right to vote but I do favor one candidate already. I am a democrat. I am for change.

One night as I watched the news, Mitt Romney announced his full support for Mr. John McCain. He was saying all those nice words to Mr. McCain, how good he was and how important he is for the political party. And they shook hands.


One night as I watched the news, Mitt Romney's campaign commercial was flashed on the TV. He was saying all those bad words about Mr. McCain, that he is not the right person for the position. But they [still] shook hands.

On the Democratic side, same thing is happening. Obama and Clinton both said negative and positive words about each other and I saw them... shook hands. Keep your friends close and your enemy closer - a nice cliche.

Last night, I had a bad argument with my hubby. We had another fight over petty things, we watched TV and slept without talking to each other.


We will ride the snowmobile again and ice-fish. We will watch TV tonight and sleep holding hands just like every single night. Sleeping with an Enemy - a nice yet troubling movie.


It's not easy to love our enemies specially if they betrayed us. It's not easy to love our enemies, if they caused us so much pain. It's not easy to love our enemies, if they persecuted us. And it's not easy to love our enemies simply because... they cannot love us back.

Today's reading taught us not just to love our enemy. It's more than being nice to people. It's more than being careful not to offend people. It's more than accepting others despite our difference. And it's more that just loving our enemies but rising up to our own weaknesses.

Today's reading taught us to be strong in times of adversaries... to be stronger in times of temptations... to be strongest in times of persecution. Being a Christian a hard... if we live it apart from God. So let's hold on.

the judge

"But when a righteous man turns away from his righteousness and commits iniquity and does the same abominable things that the wicked man does, shall he live? None of the righteous deeds which he has done shall be remembered; for the treachery of which he is guilty and the sin he has committed, he shall die." (Ezekiel 18:24)

"He was an outstanding student. He was an awarded student, someone who was revered by faculty and students alike. We had no problems and no indications at all that he would engage in such activities," Donald Grady, the Northern Illinois University Police Chief, said during the press conference.He was referring to 27-year-old Steven Kazmierczak who was identified as the gunman on Thursday's shooting spree at NIU in Dekalb, Illinois.

It was all over the news. Another shooting incident in US University. And according to CBS new, it was the 7th shooting incident that happened all over America in a month's time. All of these incidents happened in different campuses and all of the gunmen were students.

What went wrong? Since the Virginia Tech mayhem in April of 2007, we have witnessed how a human being can transform into something inhuman. And It was contradictory that most of these killers were portrayed as good people and were not thought of as capable of doing such horrifying crime. But something must have gone wrong. Is it drug? Is it family problem? Is it low self-esteem? Is it frustration? Is it all of the above?

A couple of days ago, CBS News also reported a woman who was given a parole. She is a felon who committed multiple crimes. She served her sentence and now ready to face the world anew with new hopes, new beginning, new aspirations. According to her, she has changed and was sorry for all the bad things that she did in the past. She now wants to lead a new life.

Life turns the way we wanted or expected it to be based on the choices we make. God gave us the freedom to choose the path we wanted to take or the will power to make the right decisions presented to us. If sometimes we took the wrong path... God hopes that we find our way back to Him. He gives us the chance to take the right path but it is up to us to make the right decision.

Both the gunman and the paroled woman made their choices and faced the consequences of the choices they made. The good man who turned into a killer and the felon who turned into a good woman, they both have their past before them and made a turning point how they wanted to be remembered in the future to come.

We are here not to judge. We are here to learn the lessons of their lives. We are here to look into our own lives. We are here to make a decision which path to take. And whatever decision we make, we will be remembered for it. How do you want to be remembered?

Spiritual Musing Sunday

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